Does Raising Children Make Us Blissfully Happy?
Written by Rev. Dr. Scott Paczkowski
“By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers and sisters [sons and daughters]. ”
I always worry when I hear people decide to have children because it will make them happier. If happiness is your goal, don’t have children! Children are demanding in infancy, and the demands change over the years, but even grown children keep you up at night with worry. Don’t even get me started about the teen years! So, if children do not bring continual happiness, why have them? I had to turn to an article to seek the answer.
Paul Bloom, in his article “What Becoming a Parent Really Does to Your Happiness,” points out, “Some of the most prominent scholars in the field have argued that if you want to be happy, it’s best to be childless.” Thankfully, that isn’t the end of Bloom’s article, or I would have to kick our daughter to the curb. Instead, Bloom reminds the reader that there are other rewards to having children deeper than mere happiness.
Disagree that you are happier without your children? Bloom points out a study by psychologist Daniel Kahneman et al., who interviewed 900 women and found being with their children at the end of their workday is less enjoyable than several other activities, including watching television or even food preparation. One Harvard professor quoted by Bloom confirms, “The only symptom of empty nest syndrome is nonstop smiling.” But, again, let me remind you of the deeper emotions rather than constant happiness.
Love is a profound emotion that is central to a meaningful life. Love isn’t primarily focused on happiness unless it is selfish, and then it isn’t real love. Loving others, including our children, requires a sacrificial love, not unlike the sacrificial love of Jesus. We find the divine love of raising children in the sacrificial giving of ourselves for their growth. Loving them enough to sacrifice for their wellbeing is a sacred act. Happiness is an occasional byproduct and not the reason we raise children. We have children so that we can offer our Christ-like love to them. And news flash, that sacrificial love does not end when they leave the nest. We continue to worry, support, and care for them all our lives. Even if they no longer need our financial help, the concern and love remain the rest of our lives. That is better than mere happiness.
