Scott’s a Big Old Pleaser
Written by Rev. Dr. Scott Paczkowski
“No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.”
I am a big old pleaser. Pleasers like me tend to be well-liked, but only when they are pleasing. Pleasers also tend to be hated when they do not live up to other people’s expectations. Further, pleasers give others too much power. All you must do to manipulate a pleaser is make one feel as if they are not fulfilling your expectations. Anyone can do it! You do not have to be a loved one or even a friend. The bigger the pleaser, the more desperate the need to please, even tying their worth to strangers’ expectations.
Lifelong pleasing does not need to be my fate or yours. Rene Chunilall, in his article, “Stop Wanting People to Validate You and Your Journey,” challenges pleasers to recognize and acknowledge our value without needing external validation by other people. Chunilall points out, “But not all of us are born or live in supportive environments.” If our affirmation remains focused on others, we will continue to be manipulated.
Chunilall reminds us, “It doesn’t make sense to ever tailor your life so that some person or group or a group of people may recognize or acknowledge you.” We experience a meaningful life in affirming ourselves and accepting grace-filled affirmation from God. Even trying to please others has the opposite reaction. The more we try to please, the less impressed others are with us. The more we try to make others love us, the more love is withheld.
Chunilall uses a quote from Epictetus to challenge us, “How long are you going to wait before you demand the best for yourself?” Our transformation is, of all things, theological. First, we create a healthy validation when we recognize our being made in the image of God. Next is the affirmation that we are loved, forgiven, and continually being restored by the God who created us. Today, if you are a person like me, plagued by the pleaser personality type, ask God to nurture our actual, divinely created image. If you are not a pleaser, I am sure you care for someone who is a pleaser. Pray for their courage and wisdom. God will remain a secondary priority until we change how we receive validation. God should be the priority when looking for approval and affirmation. Why? Because God is the only one who has our eternal best interest at heart.
