Renewing a Hard-Hearted Soul
Written by Rev. Dr. Scott Paczkowski
“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me. Do not cast me away from your presence, and do not take your holy spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and sustain in me a willing spirit. ”
I started as a church professional, in other words – getting paid, in 1984. In those 35 years, I have witnessed so much pain. Physical pain, spiritual pain, and emotional pain have been ever before me. The worst pain I’ve witnessed isn’t cancer, or some other form of physical suffering. No, the worst is the self-inflicted pain of self-torture. Self-torture most often isn’t physical; however, I have witnessed any number of young people cutting themselves. The self-torture I am talking about is hurting of one’s soul.
It begins with something as simple as saying, “I am an idiot.” Now, would you say that to anyone else? Probably not. Yet, you still believe it is appropriate to say it to yourself. With practice, you’ve become even better at slamming yourself. It has become second nature. You hurt yourself so easily it leaves marks, but you barely feel it anymore. Over time, your soul becomes so callused you stop feeling anything.
Once the soul is rock hard scar tissue, it is no longer able to express love. Ironically, you never intended to stop loving. You never intended to stop feeling joy. Perhaps it felt better to stop feeling pain, but you miss the joy. You miss making faces at a toddler and making them smile. You cannot remember the last time you had anyone confide in you and felt the warmth of having them feel better because of your empathy. Feelings are even hard to recollect, as you strain for the memory.
This doesn’t have to be your story. Yet, for most of us, it takes intentional work to restore our soul. Sadly, it is too easy to inflict intentional wounds to our soul. It takes prayer, asking God to scream at our subconscious every time we whip our psyche. It takes prayer, asking God to nurture and heal the scars already inflicted. It also takes an internal commitment on each of our parts to love ourselves and treat ourselves with respect. When we do that, God will also resurrect our soul and make it young, pliable, and compassionate again. It is never too late. God is always recreating. We all need to love ourselves a little bit more, so we can love others.
