To Grudge or not to Grudge, That Is the Question

“The anger of humans does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:20).

Holding a grudge is not a contemporary issue. Facing unfair and even brutal individuals is as old as Adam and Eve’s children. Forgiveness is more than a moral imperative; it is a way to a healthy, spiritually mature life. Then, why is it so hard not to obsess over perceived wrongs? If I asked you to list twenty people who did you wrong throughout your life, I bet you could do it in less than ten minutes. Sadly, it wouldn’t take me that long.

Psychologist and writer Karen Nimmo wants to help us improve our lives through her article “The Simple Secret to Letting Go of a Grudge.” First, Nimmo asks us to consider “Where your grudge can take you.” Nimmo describes a client who couldn’t release their anger and resentment. “Instead, she’d quietly held onto her grievance for two years, letting it fester and potentially corrode her mental health-when I hadn’t given it another thought.” Nimmo reminds us that the person for whom you have the grudge may not even know your feelings. Your frustration probably doesn't affect them, even if they do know. Therefore, the only one being hurt is you for holding the grudge.

Second, Nimmo says that it helps to remember, “We all feel wronged at times.” When we normalize rather than catastrophize, the wrong feels less obsessive. “We all have people and situations in our past who can water the seeds of bitterness if we give them too much mental energy.” Ornery people enjoy watering seeds of bitterness in others but cannot make the grudge grow unless you accept their watering. You retain control by deciding what you will take from others. You can ignore their rudeness outwardly and their attempted nastiness inwardly by not allowing yourself to obsess over it. The old phrase remains true, “Don’t let them take up residence in your head!”

A grudge is a form of idolatry. Allowing some rude person to take over your thoughts gives them power and leaves less room for the Spirit to live in your midst. Address your initial tendency to hold a grudge by asking the simple question, “Who benefits from my grudge?” Don't nurture your bitterness if it isn’t in your best interest. Next, recognize that a grudge is natural and takes practice and work to overcome the tendency. By praying over your negative feelings, you acknowledge their existence and the need to make change. Then, you invite someone stronger than yourself, God, to intervene and free you from your burden. Without bitterness in your heart, there is room for love, laughter, and fun.