From Shame to Wisdom
For the righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumbled in times of calamity. (Proverbs 24:16)
Mistakes were not my friends. I was raised in a home where the 11th commandment was, “Thou shall not be an embarrassment.” Like many of my generation, the greatest sin was to fail to fit in and fulfill expectations. Feelings of shame were nurtured when mistakes were made. Little wonder so many of us either became perfectionists or rebelled. It isn’t surprising punk rock came out of a generation of kids whose parents raised during World War II and the 1950s. It wasn’t all bad. Expectations were clear, and we knew how to act. Yet, creativity and learning to handle and learn from mistakes left many wanting.
Since I struggle with mistakes, I turn to Marc Randolph to help me, and the rest of us, see mistakes as part of the learning process. In his article, “It’s OK to Make Mistakes,” Randolph affirms, “The only real mistakes are the ones from which we learn nothing.” I am 61 years old and must tell myself, “I am not my mistakes!” Mistakes are nothing more than learning moments. Being able to separate from your feelings long enough to evaluate decision-making without being overwhelmed by emotion is a skill we must learn. Don’t let shame keep you ignorant by avoiding learning by avoiding emotional pain.
Learning from mistakes sounds easy, but it takes courage. The mistakes that are embarrassing or hurt someone else are wickedly painful. If you were taught that mistakes were shameful, you learned to avoid and ignore your actions and emotions. Learning to embrace your mistakes for the sake of betterment requires a process of retraining. When you feel a pang of shame, do not ignore it. Ask yourself, “What is going on?” When a mistake is too big to ignore, dive into evaluation mode, separate yourself from the emotion’s grip, and think through motivation and alternatives. The more you practice, the easier it will become.
Today, stand up like a scout, raise your right hand, and say, “I _______, will practice mistake evaluation without allowing myself to belittle myself.” Then, get on your knees and pray for strength and courage. You can love your parents and still not affirm every aspect of their expectations. (This last statement should be ignored by our daughter, Hannah. J) God is calling each of us to become our best, loving selves. We cannot fulfill God’s will for our lives if we are bound to shame. When mistake-evaluation is another spiritual activity, the threat diminishes, and we gain wisdom.