Overcoming a Toxic Christmas
Written by Rev. Dr. Scott Paczkowski
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”
Christmas is supposed to be the most incredible time of year. But the fact that family and the media set the bar so high leaves many people feeling disappointed. Add the fact that one in four adults are estranged from family makes the expectations for the holidays a recipe for dysfunction and despair. So when I caught Galit Atlas’s Los Angeles Times “Op-Ed: 1 in 4 adults are estranged from family and paying a psychological price,” I just had to read on.
Atlas’s article begins with the sentence, “A social media fad urges young adults to ‘cancel’ their parents. As a psychoanalyst, I see the unanticipated toll.” Families have enough challenges without social media attempting to destroy what’s left of the institution. Atlas continues, “Search ‘toxic parents’ on Instagram, and you’ll find more than 38,000 posts, largely urging young adults to cut ties with their families.” According to Atlas, the level of estrangement has been increasing for years, and it is taking a massive toll on the emotional well-being of young people. The depth of dysfunction in the family dynamic parallels the sense of isolation and lack of safety between parents and children.
The same challenges with estrangement occur with adult children and parents as well. In a contemporary society with many twenty and thirty-somethings struggling with substantial economic challenges, the ability to leave the parent’s home is not always an option. Economic dependency leads to bitterness from parents and adult children, leading to further fracturing of the family. Even if the adult children are independent, previous unresolved emotional turmoil keeps the family from appropriate bonding.
The answer to the family dysfunction is not avoidance but addressing the conflict honestly. Repair is nearly always preferable to estrangement. I would add unless the family dynamic is clinically abusive, then separation is preferable. Today, pray for families during the holiday season. Ask for the courage to address the issues in question. If the family cannot reach reconciliation, then you can experience the Christmas season with less struggle. Finally, remember many families struggle during the holidays. Do not let family dysfunction get in the way of your celebration of Christ’s birth.
