Changes In Family Estrangement
Written by Rev. Dr. Scott Paczkowski
“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. ”
I recently read “The Atlantic” and couldn’t put down an article by Joshua Coleman entitled “A Shift in American Family Values Is Fueling Estrangement.” It resonated with me because I’ve cared for so many families who were in some level of estrangement over the years. The pain in those intimately anxious moments is nearly unbearable. Worse, the family recognizes that reconciliation is no longer an option with the deceased at a funeral. Without a healthy resolution, these family systems will often continue to find dysfunction in their family’s future.
Coleman shares that as family systems have changed, so have the reasons for estrangement. Fifty years ago, for example, separation often occurred over personal items like who got the home, land, and other material objects in the will. But today, as quoted by Coleman, “Our conflicts are often psychological rather than material-and therefore even harder to resolve.” So many psychological challenges are ironic, points out Coleman, that “During the past 50 years, people across the classes have been working harder than ever to be good parents. They have given up hobbies, sleep, and time with their friends in the hope of slingshotting their offspring into successful adulthood.”
Whether or not the added parental attention adds to the psychological conflicts, it has some positive attributes. Coleman states, “On the positive side, this increased investment of time and affection has meant that parents and adult children are in more consistent and positive contact than in prior generations.” On the other hand, the increase of divorce has often caused parents to overcompensate for the lack of family stability by being an almost constant presence in the children’s lives.
Coleman provides various responses to the struggle, including, “Because the adult children typically initiate the estrangement, parents are often the ones who must take the first steps toward reconciliation.” Today, pray for families struggling with estrangement. If your family struggles, pray for the parents to have the emotional and spiritual maturity to respond with humility and openness. Keeping a score of wrongs isn’t the answer. Reconciliation comes with focusing on the benefits of restored love. The restoration of love is God’s call for each of us and our families. Make it a reality before the funeral.
