When Rudeness Strikes
Written by Rev. Dr. Scott Paczkowski
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. ”
When I went to college and started my religious training, I thought the church was a place with kind people. I was shocked to experience so much rudeness in Christ’s community. For a while, it made me question my resolve. Then, one of my religion professors talked about the Church’s call to reach out to the lost and the despairing. He continued by saying, none of us are perfect, so why should we be surprised when there are pain-filled people in our churches? The Church is the place where the pain is healed, and the broken are made whole. So, how do we broken people care for each other while we are imperfectly healing?
Sira Mas, helps us respond in her article, “The Subtle Art of Dealing with Rude People.” She gives us recommendations for how we are to respond to people as they lash out in their pain. First, we must find “Ways to set healthy boundaries.” But that is easier said than done, especially when the individuals in pain turn their angst on you. Mas points out, “Rude people behave in a certain way not because of you, but because of themselves.” Not accepting their angst into our being is important in keeping our appropriate boundaries.
Mas helps us learn how to respond in the midst of an attack of rudeness. “The best way to respond to rudeness is with kindness, because it’s disarming.” It is much harder to be rude, when it doesn’t produce a rude response. Mas quotes Margaret Paul, PhD, “good boundaries are not about trying to control someone else by telling them what to do. They are about telling them what you will do in response to their unhealthy behavior.” Being able to resist taking their rudeness personally allows us to be present with the person in a way that gets beyond the rudeness and can then address the underlying pain.
Today, pray for the emotional maturity to not let other’s pain control your own wellbeing. Seek the Spirit’s guidance to mold you into a humble-enough person to not take the rudeness of others personally. Ask God to give you a heart for healing, so your compassion for the rude can overshadow their attacks. When we do this, the impact of their rudeness melts away, and the healing becomes the emphasis. Mas’s recommendations provide the tools for dealing with rude people.
