Stepping Up at the Worst Time
Bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:2)
Most of us will have a moment when we care for someone in life's final days, hours, and minutes. One of the gifts of faith is that we have something to say that isn't trite or meaningless. Part of supporting the dying process is physical, psychological, and, most importantly, spiritual. Responding with intention is vital to providing meaningful care and comfort in a painful time for everyone involved.
The first step is affirming within yourself that the moment is about the one dying and not you. Your job is to be a non-anxious, supportive presence. When so much is out of your control in the dying process, focus on the one thing you can control: yourself. When you are calm, it calms the rest of the family and the one who is dying. Touch is often recognized even when the loved one is no longer responsive—model comfort by touching. Many adults, youth, and children are scared to touch the dying—a loving touch benefits both the dying and those struggling to care.
Emotional care is often tricky. While you want to be primarily focused on the dying one, you should start with those who will be visiting. Whether the dying person is in the ER, ICU, a regular hospital room, a hospice unit, or at home, setting up a separate room is helpful. If you were in the military, you'd call it a war room, in the theater, a green room. At a hospital or hospice center, they have lobbies. Let the nursing staff know where your lobby "room" is located so they can find you quickly. The family gathers first in the "room," and you schedule visit times so everyone has fair and appropriate access. The "room" is also where family and friends support one another. Even when the "room" feels exhausting and dreary, ensure trustworthy family members attend it. That way, day or night, there is someone to greet visitors and communicate changes to everyone else.
The Spiritual aspect of the dying process should include more than calling on the pastor for a visit and a prayer. While a pastoral presence is vital, it should not be the only or even the primary spiritual presence. Throughout the process, there are opportunities for spiritual care. Many families exclude children or allow a visit, pretending the situation isn't dire. Allowing children to grieve is essential, and they will be resilient. Prepare well before the struggle arises; you can share Scripture, written prayers, devotions, poems, and music in the dying loved one's room and the waiting area "room." When you prepare well, you make the situation safer, where you and others will be calm enough to relax in the Spirit's care.