Seeking God’s Assistance In Dealing with Dysfunctional People
written by: Rev. Dr. Scott Paczkowski
Victor Mong wrote a recent article entitled, “11 Types of People to Avoid If You Want to Protect Your Energy,” and I found the 11 types fascinating and disturbing. Here are the 11:
1. People who act like a victim in a problem they created.
2. People who constantly criticize and never offer solutions.
3. People who are always negative.
4. People who lie and manipulate for their benefit.
5. People who are overly competitive and can’t celebrate others’ successes.
6. People who dismiss your feelings.
7. People who love to talk about others behind their backs.
8. People Who Are Unreliable and Break Promises
9. People who hold others to standards they don’t adhere to themselves.
10. People who believe they are more important than others.
11. People who find fault with your progress or growth.
How do we, as people of faith, address people who are dysfunctional and intentionally disruptive? The Bible struggles with the same issue.
*Make no friendship with a person given to anger, nor go with a wrathful person, lest you learn their ways and entangle yourself in a snare. (Proverbs 22:24-25)
*This passage expects us to avoid the person.
*Judge not, that you be not judged. (Matthew 7:1)
*Respond approvingly to the person and not even consider their motivation. It is not our place to judge their actions, even if they are hurtful.
*I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)
*Suck it up and endure the bad behavior of others.
*Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)
*Suck it up, and love the abuser as if, somehow, covering up sin is a good thing.
*But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you. (Luke 6:27)
*Let the abuser continue to abuse you, and love them for it.
I am not comfortable with any of these Biblical responses.
About the only Biblical account of interpersonal relations with dysfunctional people I can affirm is from Matthew 18:15-17.
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother or sister. But if they do not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If they refuse to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if they refuse to listen even to the church, let them be to you as a Gentile or a tax collector.
It isn’t a perfect answer to our 2024 ears of faith, but I like the concept of boundaries. We are not doing our Christian duty to the one hurt by the perpetrator, nor are we helping the perpetrator if we immediately cast them out or ignore the unjust actions. Holding the abuser accountable is the way to healing and restoration if the faithful’s goal is renewal and healing rather than retribution. Today, pray for the wisdom to know how to provide accountability with restorative care.
