Handling Difficult Conversations
Written by Rev. Dr. Scott Paczkowski
“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.”
Being a pastor requires having difficult conversations. I remember walking into a hospital room and finding a parishioner friend non-responsive. I ran for a nurse, who, upon checking, saw my friend dead. The hospital called the family to come to the hospital. I was waiting and told them she had died. I was in my mid-twenties and hadn’t lost someone close to me, so I couldn’t begin to relate to their pain and loss. Instead, I knew the situation wasn’t about me. I reminded myself to remain calm when speaking to the family, be clear in what I said, be honest about the problem, and be compassionate when they were ready.
I learned that day that it requires courage to share the news that will bring devastating pain. Don Johnson (not the actor), in his article, “How to Speak Honestly, Even When It’s Hard,” offers a quote by Susan Scott, “Never be afraid of the conversations you’re having. Be afraid of the conversations you’re not having.” Avoidance creates more pain for a longer duration than being courageous at the outset. If I had been unclear about what happened to the family’s wife and mother, they might have thought she was still alive.
Johnson encourages us to “Have a learning mindset.” Once you have been transparent and honest with your conversation, you must strive not to assume you understand or know how to fix the situation. A learning mindset helps you remain focused on what the other persons need and develop empathy to respond respectfully. For example, I wanted to hug the family the minute I saw them. However, what they needed was clarity and honesty first. Then, they needed to grieve as a family, and after that, they began to require care from me. If I weren’t learning their cues, I would have made the situation all about me when their needs were paramount.
Today, think about the difficult conversations in your life. These conversations happen in families, with friends, and at work. I am sure a few come to mind. Reflect on these conversations without judgment but to learn and grow. Prayerfully ask God to provide the necessary empathy and wisdom to respond beneficially. Finally, remember, there is no right way to share difficult conversations if you remain transparent, honest, and are willing to learn what the other person needs at that moment. Trust God to use your words, empathy, and honest clarity to help, even when it is difficult or painful.
