First, Shut Up and Listen!
If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame. (Proverbs 18:13)
Most of us could be better listeners. We try, but there are so many forces at work to keep us from meaningful listening. The worst thing a potential listener can do is sit down with someone with the mindset of fixing the problem. First, did the person come to you intending for you to correct the problem? Often, the answer is “No.” Meanwhile, you are so busy thinking about potential outcomes; you aren’t listening to what the person is saying.
Second, you feel obligated to listen but do not want to take the time. Obligation is a dirty word. I try never to use the word obligation. It might sound corny, but I always say, “get to” rather than “have to.” It is Murphy’s Law that the only time someone wants me to listen is when I am the busiest. Don’t emotionally lie to yourself or the other person. Unless it is an emergency, if you are in the middle of something deemed more important, schedule the visit so you can focus on the person. If you scheduled the time, you need to get your head in the game, focus on the other person, and let go of the other thoughts and activities for the duration of the visit. You can focus when you remind yourself that the other person is a blessing and your visit will make a positive difference in both your lives.
Finally, if listening requires mature responses, and it is not just allowing the other person to vent, then take the pressure off by agreeing, early in the visit, to set up another time to discuss the “next steps.” None of us are so brilliant we can listen closely, then make profound recommendations simultaneously. If true, therapists would fix every client’s challenge in one visit. If the person is worthy of your listening ear, they are worth investing in for more than one visit.
Today, think about your skill as a listener. Are you always playing the role of the fixer? Are you intentionally present and focused on the person talking? Once you understand the other person’s expectations for sharing, it is appropriate to make an agreement. For example, if the person seems to want you to be a human sounding board, then state this is your understanding, shut up, and listen without the expectation of needing to fix anything. If the person does want advice or further support, be upfront about meeting more than once. Yet, on the first visit, shut up and listen. Then, on the second visit, you can get permission to offer recommendations after you’ve had time to consider a response prayerfully. Always listen first! Listen fully! Listen as an act of faithful care!