No is Never Easy
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. (Isaiah 26:3)
If you think you have trouble saying “no,” you are not alone. It is hard because often, the people making the requests are people we work with and work for, loving friends and family, and people with genuinely good ideas. Yet, our time is finite, and we cannot please everyone, no matter how hard we try. This week I was approached by people I care about who asked if I would teach an adult class on Wednesday nights. With trepidation and pain, I had to say “no.” I shared my reason and hoped each person would understand. Until we have a new Associate Pastor on staff, I am doing both their job and mine. Right now, I am not keeping up with these two responsibilities without adding another.
Saying “no” does not have to be frightening, especially if you have a good rationale. It is essential to share your reasons, so the other person does not take your decision as a personal affront. Saying “no” can be informative and helpful if done correctly. Chelsey K. Burden, in her article “How to Say No: Actual Phrases for Better Boundaries,” tackles the challenge of saying “no.” Burden states, “A panic-yes is cowardly, not kind.” People will respect your decision more if you base it on thoughtful consideration rather than telling people what they think they want to hear.
When you say “no,” be deliberate, so they understand you are not simply coming up with lazy excuses but have an understandable reason. But what happens when the person making the request is inappropriate, or you passionately dislike the request? In my first church, each year, a group put together an event dinner, which included a fundraiser for a popular organization. The event included raffles and a silent auction. The auction items included hunting rifles, which didn’t give me pause, but after a couple of years of attending, some of the auction items were handguns. I was too worried about upsetting someone that I just stopped attending, rather than being honest. Before we moved, I discovered that others felt like I did. If I had the courage of my convictions, I wouldn’t have made people angry for skipping their fundraiser, and I might have been able to stop something that went against my values.
The first step to saying “no,” is honesty. Be honest with yourself by acknowledging your time, energy, and interest. Second, be respectful but honest about your commitments and comfort level. If you are honest, emotionally healthy people will understand because their life isn’t any more carefree than yours. If they are upset, they will find something to be upset about even if you said “yes,” and you cannot waste time trying to please everyone. Finally, take a deep and thoughtful breath before saying “yes” or “no.” Prayer can take as little as two seconds. Preparing your head to respond faithfully will give you a better chance of reacting faithfully, even when it feels uncomfortable.