When Our Child Hurts Our Feelings
See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled. (Hebrews 12:15)
We love our children, and they are the center of our world. It shocks and hurts us the first (and even fourth) time they intentionally say something to hurt our feelings. More experienced parents may have warned us, but you are not prepared until it happens to you. Their hurtful response does not mean they do not love you or that you are a bad parent. Your child’s hurtful talk is little more than a stage in their development where they test you and your emotional boundaries. Children do not intuitively know your emotional boundaries. They have to find them through experience.
Children test you because they know you love them and will not leave them if they act inappropriately. You are their emotional crash test dummy because you are safe. In his LifeHacker article “How to Respond When Your Kid Hurts Your Feelings,” Jason Keil shares that saying hurtful things to parents is a natural part of a child’s development. Yet, when parents overreact or underreact, you can limit your child’s emotional development process. Keil quotes Dr. Christopher Cortman, who states, “It’s important as parents to provide that structure because if you don’t, it’s not in their best interest. It’s definitely not in yours.” It is easier to ignore your child’s hurtful words in the short term, but their poor attitude will worsen until you create a clear structure of expectations.
Along with setting clear and appropriate boundary expectations, finding out if they are hurting is essential. Remember, children do not have strong emotional maturity yet, so they lash out in their pain because they do not yet know how to address their issues constructively. Their hurtful remarks to the parent often have little or nothing to do with you. Rather than react with your hurt, finding out what is causing their discomfort is vital. Once you find out the real issue, then you can “Tell them how you feel.”
Finally, remind yourself that they love you and they care about you. If their criticism takes place in public, it is doubly painful. Yet, it is even more critical you respond with instructive kindness. Begin by reminding them how much you love them, and then share your concerns without adding your emotional baggage to their emotion. Set the tone for them to respond with clarity and care. Parents struggle every day with decisions, great and small. Ask God to bless you, forgive you, and instruct you. Remaining a non-anxious presence is a divine gift.