How to Care as a Loved One Dies

For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ shall all be made alive. (1 Corinthians 15:22)

In my almost four decades of visiting people at the end of their lives on this earth, I am regularly amazed at the human mind's control over one's death. I cannot count how many times a person would hang on to life until a loved one arrived before they died. Often, a dying person will somehow hang on until after a significant life event like a wedding, baptism, or anniversary before they die. Is this more than my imagination? Others in hospitals and hospice organizations have also recognized one's control over death.

In a Washington Post article, "Can we choose the moment we die?" Evan Cohen states, "One theory is that a hormonal stimulus may enable us to hang on until a special event or love one's arrival." Yet, our control is limited. Additionally, we do not have exact expectations of how we die. According to sociologist Glenys Caswell, "We all want different things in dying as we do in our living. Some [who are dying] don't want people fussing over them or want to be alone when they aren't feeling well. Others don't want to distress their family." Still, others want family around them as a last comfort as they face their most frightening moment.

Our being in the room with the dying loved one may keep them alive when it is time to die. Voices and stories can be a stimulant, keeping the loved one from letting go. Do not feel bad if your loved one waits for you to leave to pass away. They just don't want to miss anything, and once you leave or are quiet, they can relax and let go. Even in the immediate aftermath of death, the mind is still hearing and responding. The school of medicine at New York University performed a study of people who were resuscitated after having died. "They consistently described feeling conscious, lucid and aware of what was going on after their heart stopped."

As the surviving loved ones, our task is to think about how best to care in the person's last moments. As they die, what may be most comforting to you, may not be for your loved one, and they must be your priority. You may want to stay in the room sharing meaningful stories, but is that what your loved one needs now? Pray for the wisdom to know what the dying need and respond with humble, sacrificial care. Finally, never forget when they've taken their last breath, a loving, merciful God is waiting for them with outstretched arms. That is our comfort!