Responding Faithfully to Toxic People
written by: Rev. Dr. Scott Paczkowski
“For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. ”
Toxic people can be a destructive force to individuals and institutions. Many mental health professionals recommend avoiding such people at all costs. As people of faith who are called to love thy neighbor, the decision isn’t as easy. The key is to recognize toxic behavior and set up clear boundaries. God calls us to care but not to allow others to hurt us or others without accountability. In “11 Types of Toxic People to Avoid at All Costs,” Victor Mong helps by naming toxic behavior so we can recognize it. We cannot address dysfunctional behavior with faithful accountability until we can name dysfunctional behavior.
Victor Mong’s list of toxic behavior:
1. People who act like a victim in a problem they created.
“Victim-minded people often have a long list of grievances but no real solutions.”
2. People who constantly criticize and never offer solutions.
“If someone is always criticizing your ideas without offering alternatives, it’s time to distance yourself.”
3. People who are always negative.
“Observe if you feel drained or pessimistic after interacting with them.”
4. People who lie and manipulate for their benefit.
“Notice if they frequently change their version of events.”
5. People who are overly competitive and can’t celebrate others’ successes.
“If someone can’t share in your joy, they’re likely more interested in competing than connecting.”
6. People who dismiss your feelings.
“Pay attention to their reactions when you share personal stories; if they seem indifferent.”
7. People who love to talk about others behind their backs.
“If someone frequently talks about others behind their backs, they’ll likely do the same to you.”
8. People Who Are Unreliable and Break Promises
“If someone constantly cancels plans at the last minute or fails to deliver on their word, they’re showing you that they can’t be counted on.”
9. People who hold others to standards they don’t adhere to themselves
“Pay attention to their actions compared to their words.”
10. People who believe they are more important than others.
“Do they often interrupt or talk over you? Do they rarely show interest in your life or listen when you speak? Are they always seeking praise or recognition while they offer little in return?”
11. People who find fault with your progress or growth.
“Pay attention, if someone is always trying to find fault every time you achieve something for yourself.”
Every person who fits one of these eleven characteristics needs God, just like you and me. Yet, let to their own devices, they will bring you and everyone around you down, instead of you, through the Holy Spirit, bringing everyone to a healthier place. As you reflect on each of these eleven toxic characteristics, create a mental boundary, or do not exceed zone, that if the toxic person goes beyond that point, you will institute accountability, and if accountability is not possible, then step away until someone with more mental health training can intercede. When you meet someone fitting one or more of these toxic definitions, find time to pray for them. Even if you cannot help their situation, the Holy Spirit can step into the process and bring the right people and opportunities for healing. Sacrificing your own physical, spiritual, and emotional well-being is not acceptable. If you start to hurt, it is the Spirit’s way of letting you know that someone else is called to help the toxic person. None of us can be all things to all dysfunctional people.
