Learning to be Comfortable When Alone

Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. (Psalm 73:23)

Some people are extroverts, while others are introverts. This devotion is not about personality traits. Instead, I would like to focus on the unhealthy problem of not feeling you cannot be alone. There is nothing wrong with enjoying friends and family. You can feel more comfortable around people than spending time alone, but when you cannot be comfortable alone, that becomes unhealthy. Not being alone is more than just an emotional concern. It is a spiritual concern because God often seeks us out in stillness when alone.

Annie Tanasugarn, Ph.D., in her article “What It Really Means If You Can’t Be Alone,” addresses the wounds associated with avoiding time alone. The core reason many people struggle when alone is, according to Dr. Tanasugarn, we’ve been told we are unworthy. Over time, we tell ourselves the same destructive message. “Our inner critic is usually formed in our early years, and from adverse experiences that build up, as it tries tearing us down. The messages may differ, but the core wound is usually the same: there is an inherent feeling that something is wrong with us and that we aren’t worthy of being chosen for love.” Why would you want to spend considerable time with someone you consider unloveable, even if that person is you?

When we do not feel good enough, we run from our feelings. We can use others as a distraction to avoid facing our thoughts and emotions. I won’t sugarcoat it; learning to face deep-seated insecurity is not a quick or comfortable process. Tanasugarn challenges us by saying, “You have to learn how to validate yourself, from the inside, out.” The first step is recognizing the issue. Intentionally find time to be alone. Is it uncomfortable? Listen to your inner voice. Are you comfortable with what it is saying to you? None of us are always satisfied with ourselves. We all have regrets, but when you diminish yourself with those memories, it is time to reflect prayerfully.

Next, choose to make friends with yourself all over again. Forgiveness isn’t just what you do for others or what they do for you. Forgiveness is also one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves. How do you love others despite their foibles, mistakes, and misdeeds? Then, give yourself the same break. Then, each day, make it a habit to ask God to remind you why you were created in the divine image. Diminishing ourselves is a habit. Renewing our self-image and living a faithful life is a habit as well. God wants you to love yourself and feel comfortable when you are alone. Then, God can sneak up and speak to you intimately.