From Toxic Disagreement to Blessed Relationship

Avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife. (2 Timothy 2:23)

Toxic disagreements flow steadily throughout the Old and New Testament Scriptures. As early as Adam and Eve’s children, disagreement turned ugly. Cain was jealous of Abel and responded in the most toxic way: murder. There are too many other examples to name all the toxic relationships. Yet a few of the highlights include Joseph against Esau, Saul against David, and even Peter and Paul, who were sometimes in adversarial roles. The Bible even presents cosmic disagreements between God and the Devil.

Why are we surprised that disagreements are often toxic in our contemporary society? Throughout ancient and modern history, disagreements frequently led to war rather than peace. Our prayer should be that we learn from history rather than continue to relive it. The Wall Street Journal article “Disagreements Are Healthy. How to Stop Making Them Toxic,” by Elizabeth Bernstein, calls us to address disagreements proactively. Bernstein calls us to “Plan ahead. Actively listen. Discuss how to move forward.” Toxicity grows through actions without proper reflection.

Bernstein’s article implores, “Prepare yourself and start off right.” Preparation includes reviewing your words before you make statements. Anyone can respond rashly, but it requires self-control and wisdom to act with planning, not just raw emotion. The Wall Street Journal article also encourages us to “Actively listen-and ask questions.” Assumptions make a (donkey) of us all. Listening and formulating appropriate questions provide the understanding necessary to empathize with one another.

Finally, do not leave a problematic discussion without discussing “your next steps.” Do not leave a disagreement with unanswered questions because that will allow bitterness to fester. Once we fulfill Bernstein’s recommendations, we can finish each conversation with a prayer. We will prepare better, find the patience to listen and embrace the wisdom to take meaningful steps in a faithful direction. God’s presence makes toxicity visible and untenable. Through the Holy Spirit, healthy relationships are possible.