How to Stop Being a Pleaser
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. (Matthew 7:12)
Like many of you, I am a pleaser. Being a pleaser has benefits. Pleasers spend a lifetime focusing on facial, body, and even subtle voice cues. We do these focus activities so we can be acceptable to others. Deep focus on those around us provides skills that often make people feel comfortable around us. Pleasers are frequently caring, supportive people who desire the best for others. Yet, despite these positive attributes, being a pleaser quickly turns into an addiction that leads to losing oneself to the desires of others.
In “How to Get Over Your Fear of Disappointing Others,” Nick Wignall guides pleasers to a healthier way of life. Fear Of Disappointing Others, or FODO, according to Wignall, creates “chronic stress, anxiety, overwhelm, and even burnout.” Wignall’s answer to FODO, or being a pleaser, is varied. “1. Consider the costs of your FODO.” Recognizing the few perceived benefits of pleasing is not worth the downside of stress and burnout. Naming the costs gives us the motivation to better ourselves.
“2. Remember that you are not responsible for other people’s feelings.” We regain a healthy perspective when we recognize that other people’s feelings are theirs to own. Next, “3. Reframe your fear as uncomfortable, not dangerous.” A healthy perspective continues when we create a rational process for differentiating between dangerous and uncomfortable. 99.9% of the time, our feelings are uncomfortable but not dangerous. Even the threat of a loved one’s withholding of love is not dangerous. Painful discomfort is not dangerous. Recognizing the difference between danger and discomfort frees us to accept the manipulations of others without buckling under.
Finally, “4. Use reverse empathy to build some initial confidence” to recognize the double standard we’ve created. “Reverse empathy means putting yourself in your own shoes when you’ve experienced something similar to what you’re afraid of someone else experiencing.” When you treat yourself with the same respect you treat others, you will make decisions based on rational decision-making rather than being continually manipulated by others. Today, ask for the strength to nurture your confidence and rational decision-making so you can treat others respectfully without being manipulated. When we are free from manipulation, we have room to nurture God without being continually overwhelmed by the constant demands of others.